Well it’s a been a few weeks since my unexpected deliverance from Insignificance and Inferiority. I’m calling it a deliverance because any release from a stronghold is just that – a deliverance from the clutches of the evil one. Might as well call it what it is.
The intervening time has given me a chance to evaluate all the changes. There have been some surprising as well as more obvious ones. On the obvious side of the ledger, but no less deeply impacting to my roots, suddenly I know deep deep down that my worth and value are absolutely not based on anything I have achieved or done. I always knew that in my head (that’s Christianity 101), but now it is pulsatingly alive in the core of my being. Suddenly I know, deep in my knower, without a shadow of a doubt, no room for argument that my worth and value come from being in Christ and nothing else. I do not have to have some derivative success to make me feel worthy.
So suddenly it was as clear as day that of course I could walk into a room of prime ministers and billionaires – people clearly at the top of their trees – I could walk into a room chockfull of them, having been a complete failure in everything and still have something worth saying. In fact, shortly after this, I was invited into a grouping that by all criteria, I wasn’t qualified to attend. Previously I would have felt intimidated, I might even have bailed. Not this time. I went along and walked in, late. Everyone was looking at me and I recognised a few quizzical looks as if to say, “why are you here?” Instead of that feeling like shrivelling up inside, something inside wanted to shout from the rooftops, “Heeeey, I’m a child of God! What other qualification do I need?” Really guys – is there any other qualification we need to be a healthy contributor in life other than that we are a child of God? Obviously the answer is no, but it is one thing to know that in your head, it is quite another to experience the freedom of it in your life.
In itself, that is amazing. So much of the stress and friction of life is the interactions with other people and suddenly life has become so frictionless. (I’d love to be able to quantify the health benefits of this one thing over a life-time. It will probably put years on my life. Here’s hoping!)
But other things have changed as well. I feel more confident generally. Surprisingly I am also much more present in one on one conversations that I ever used to be. Clearly there was some defence mechanism going on that I’m still tying to understand. The same is also true of certain group conversations. I was in one recently where I have always felt a little intimidated and… inferior. In those situations, my iPhone has been my friend and my escape. Not this time. iPhone was relegated to a utility and I entered into robust interaction with real people. Later in the day, someone asked what had happened to me “You seem completely transformed!”
And the Odd:
I know what I’m about to say may sound odd, but it’s true. I’ve always had a wide vocabulary because I’ve always been a reader and in my childhood I was prolific. The trouble is I was never able to access that vocabulary in the spur of the moment or “in the moment transactions”. My brain just didn’t seem to process quick enough. That’s changed. It is so much better than it was. My explanation? I can only tell you that Inferiority and Insignificance acts like a brake on your brain. If you feel inferior, it means the presence of people who are your peers or better, intimidates you and acts like a dampener on your ability to think. When you no longer feel intimidated the fight/flight reaction is no longer operative and your brain is released to think.
Whatever the reason- this I know – I have changed. Praise be to God.
I would love it if you, the reader, could post any comments about your own experiences of change in this area. What has changed for you? What was surprising for you?
The freedom Christ gives us is worth our investment.